on penises and zombies

Dear mom in the carpool line with the GIANT bumper sticker displaying your beliefs on circumcision*:

If your kids aren’t already embarrassed to be seen with you, they will be as soon as they can read.  Try zombies, or cats, or…anything really, that doesn’t imply a visual of your child’s genitals.  I understand, it’s an important issue to you, but come on, mama!  How would you have liked your mom’s minivan (already not cool) to display that her baby got her first period and what kinds of pads she will be buying you?

First bra?  Bumper sticker it!

Wet dreams?  Tell the world with a big old bumper smother!!

I promise I will not slap this kind of embarrassing detail about my boys on the ass of my storm trooper, or any other public protrusion. Because I want my boys to feel confident that I will not announce to the world what they look like naked.  “Oh hey, did you know that this boy has a birthmark right in his butt crack?  Yeah, it’s so great I made it into a bumper sticker!”

Now I’m worried that I’ll meet penis lady at the school or something and get into a conversation…”so, you say you have three boys?  Can I ask you about their penises?”



Here is an example of the kind of thing you should put on your car if you have boys:


I’ll spare you the visual of what NOT to put on your car.

Ok then, carry on with your good causes, and please don’t reference genitalia on your vehicles.  Your kids will thank you.


*I am not judging anyone’s decision for or against circumcision.



  1. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. So true though. Don’t use your children to further your “causes.” I wonder if her husband is circumcised. You could ask, since she brought it up.

    Liked by 1 person


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