Raise your hand if you have ever changed a diaper. Ok, I see most of you. Now raise your hand if you have ever changed a diaper in the car. Still a bunch of hands. Now raise your hand if you have ever found yourself out and about without anything but a swim diaper and had to change a poopy diaper in the car and then go into the store where the swim diaper leaked in the cart while you were buying diapers? Oh heyyy, I’m raising it!
Now let’s talk further about excrement, particularly urine. I know, FUN, right!? You can see up there in that awesome picture that I am washing my foot in the kitchen sink. This was taken after I had sprayed the bottom of my foot with vinegar. I had to actually put my foot under water to wash it with soap, because there was PEE in between my toes. I had to hop to the sink after I had stepped into the bathroom, you know, to go pee, and landed right in a puddle. It wasn’t just a little drip, it was a PUDDLE of urine. I had to yell for the vinegar spray and a bunch of towels because if I stepped out of the bathroom I would track urine through the house. So I waited…(we had Amazing Family over, which is actually my Amazing Friend’s family, whom I will now call “Friend A” from now on. She needed a name for sure, because she seems to inspire these posts quite a bit. For example, she witnessed me yelling “I AM SICK AND TIRED OF STEPPING AND SITTING IN PEE!!, and then took this picture of me with “urine feet”.)
Everyone was busy with our backyard campout. Kids were playing, Friend A was, I dunno what she was doing, the men were talking about lumber or fire or something, and I was standing on one foot in a puddle of urine. So I screamed this time for the spray and towels, instead of yelling. Tuna and Friend A came to my rescue, and I cleaned up Lake Binker on one foot.
Now, this is primarily a Binker problem right now, but I’ll tell you what–I have been sitting or stepping in pee since I have lived with boys, which started with my little brothers, then Latefordinner, then these monkeys. I am starting to get paranoid about sitting on toilets, and afraid to touch anything in my own bathrooms. I had to throw away two rolls of toilet paper the other day, which were inside a plastic bag next to the toilet, because one of them managed to aim the hose right into the bag. Seriously? If it’s in there, it must be everywhere, man. It’s out to get me, man. I really would rather just get new toilets at this point, because the pee has found the hidden spots on the toilets that weren’t meant for urine. Even toilets have their limits. Also, the walls, and anything in a five foot radius of the toilet. Yes, radius. I swear that stuff is IN the walls. I think he does it on purpose. He “forgets” to tuck when he’s sitting? No! I think he likes watching it fly across the room in a lovely arc and make a lake of urine for me to step in!
I am going to record myself and just press a button when I hear someone go into the bathroom:
“Tuck your penis!”
“Put your pee in the water only!”
“Aim your penis down into the water!”
“I can hear your pee hitting the back of the toilet!”
“Wipe it up if you drip!”
Ok, so this rant must have some purpose…hang on while I find it…
Eh, it’s mostly just a rant. I have fought and taught and wrestled and wiped and cleaned and cleaned again. I have gagged and blown cool breath on bright red butts through cries of pain and slathered miles of butt cream on rashes and changed diapers on standing squirming toddlers, and wiped poop on and off toilets for almost a decade now. I have stepped in sat in sopped up wiped up pee from multiple and varying surfaces. I have done. my. time. and I’m not even done. I could say I will use this against my boys when they are older, when they have kids and complain to me…but I surely will not. I see all of this as part of this awesome madness called parenting. When my grandkids need diapers, I will change them just as selflessly as I have turned off my sense of smell for this decade.
However, if I have to pee when my grandkids need a diaper, I will hand them off. Because in that picture, I still hadn’t peed, and if I have incontinence because I held my pee for my boys’ urine pools, I may use it against them.