On Hitting People in the Face with Stuffed Animals: A Study.

There are things we have to do to our kids that hurt them. Last night I had to rip off Binker’s band aid when he wasn’t expecting it, and he hated it.  Squishy has rats-nest hair that requires yanking combing every day.  I always imagined that I would be gentle when I combed my kids hair…I also always imagined that they wouldn’t watch tv, or that I would even have kids, sooooo yeah. Ha!  I have a freaking hilarious imagination.

There are also things we do to our kids that hurt them that we don’t have to do, such as throw stuffed animals at their faces.  Um, I don’t know anyone that’s done that, but I heard someone who *coughhappenstomaybebeme did that today.  Ok, so let’s just say it was me for the story’s sake.

I had to call Tuna upstairs because I was working on sizing up his school uniforms and vacation clothes, so he had to TRY ON some clothes.  He HATED it.  I asked him if he’d rather go get his blood drawn, because it was that kind of resistance.  I said we could just go get some allergy tests done while we’re at it.  He chose clothes.  I had to keep grabbing his arm to keep him with me, and “why do I have to do this!!??”, and “after these shorts I’m done!” (I made him try on THREE pairs of shorts.)  Tsk tsk, terrible mom.

So in the middle of holding up uniforms to him since I didn’t dare make his royal highness actually try on any more, he started his complaining again, and I threw a stuffed seal (the closest stuffed animal) at his face. It hit him pretty hard.  (Am I a horrible person for laughing while I type this?) (Don’t answer that.)  He started crying and I felt really bad and said sorry and hugged him and assured him that I didn’t know there were rocks in that seal and I would never really try to hurt him.  I picked up a nearby frog and let him hit me in the face with it twice.  It was hilarious and he laughed and I laughed and it was over.

As I thought this over, I decided that throwing stuffed animals at people’s faces should be an acceptable form of revenge because it’s hilarious and therapeutic. I thought of some of the times that people have hurt me, and then imagined throwing a stuffed animal at their face, and it felt GREAT!

I do not generally agree with the concept of revenge.  It is unnecessary and being mostly a peacemaker I know that there are healthier ways of dealing with “wrongs”.  However, this could be a thing–a parenting thing!  I could win awards!  Have your kid throw a stuffed animal at your face if they’re upset with you, and everything is better!!  I might write a book about it:  “Kids who throw stuffed animals at their parents’ faces:  a long term study of their happiness and success in life.” *  And by long term I mean today, and by success I mean happiness (happiness=success after all).  “Studies show that 98.6% of kids who threw stuffed animals at their parents faces grew up to be well-adjusted and happy adults!”  I think I’m on to something.

*this is not (IS) a slight knock on the parenting books/methods/theories/studies that claim they can tell you how to be the best parents in the world and if you don’t follow their rules your kids will suck at life.  I wonder if any of those books tell you to hit your kid in the face with a stuffed animal and then have them hit you back and then crack up about it. **

**I really hope my kids grow up to be happy because if they don’t I’ll wonder if it’s completely my fault for letting them hit me in the face with stuffed animals.  As if we moms don’t already have enough guilt.

My kids have a healthy sense of humor and the ability to shake off a knock or two.  That comes from NOT following any subscribed parenting method.***  It also comes from following my guts, and my freaking hilarious imagination.

***it is important to note that there are some useful tools available in the parenting books I knock.  they’re not all crap.  ****

****I just wanted to do the footnotey thing again.  I have nothing more to write.*****

*****FIVE asterisks ah ah ah (that’s the Count).  Sorry, I hang out with kids all day, ok?  Really though, I’d probably be like this anyway.


This really just happened as I was about to hit “publish”:  Tuna came running into the room with Binker closely chasing him with a STUFFED SNAKE.  For the record, I do not condone hitting anyone in the face with a stuffed snake (read: whip).  Rounded stuffed animals not stuffed with rocks are acceptable.  UGH! Because Boys.