!@#$%^&*()

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tuna code picture

I came out from putting the littles to bed to find Tuna running out of my room looking guilty. He said he left something for me to solve. Uhhh, anyone? Runes? Gah, my kid is smarter than I am.

Me: “I don’t know this code.  Runes?”

Tuna shakes his head, smacks his forehead, “You don’t know your history, do you?”

Me: “I know quite a bit of history, just not this code.” (little punk)

Tuna: “Ok, here’s another hint: think Free Masons. You need to look it up and learn it.  Then we can leave each other notes.

Wtf?  Because it’s too easy to just write notes in English?  And why/where is he learning codes from the Free Masons?  I mean, I agree that they’re fascinating (in fact, we had a conversation a while ago about them); but seriously? Can’t we just do something relatively normal around here? (Stupid question, duh!)  This kid…

He came back in a while later ( he’s supposed to be in his freaking bed), and asked if I solved it. NO!  No, I haven’t solved it. I had said I’d put it on hold.  I have homework (and now a blegh post) to do.  GO TO BED.

I know I did stuff like this as a kid.  I absolutely love it that he is interested in stuff like this (he is obsessed with history, especially ancient Egypt). I will learn the darn code and write him maybe one reply, and then we can do the cute note thing with actual words. I get it, he doesn’t want Binker reading our notes.  But maybe cursive will do for a while??

I love that kid.  And, wtf?  And, what the hell does pig pen have to do with the Free Masons?

And he’s the one smacking his forehead.

*Apparently there is a code called a pigpen cipher. Apparently other people know this. Apparently I didn’t.

Whatever.

Alien scarves

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I have a theory that infinity scarves are, in fact, alien creatures here to slowly take over the Earth in a calculated manner. (Stay with me. It’s winter in Michigan and I’m under stress, so I get weird, ok?) I resisted the things for a while because I’m not really a scarf person (except for when it’s below zero and screw that I’m wearing 17 scarves on top of 8 coats). I was gifted a homemade infinity scarf two years ago and I held it up like it was an alien creature.

“I love it!  What is it?”

“It’s an infinity scarf.”

“Ohhhh.”

That was about it–the extent to which I thought deeply about the thing (except for how nice it was that my cousin made it for me!  How awesome is that?)–and it hung on a hook for two years with my other pretty scarves I didn’t wear.  I don’t know what to do with those things… I’d have to watch youtube tutorials on how to wear a scarf, and then I just feel stupid because I’d have to watch youtube tutorials on how to wear a scarf, so they all just hang together on a hook.

Over the last couple of years I have noticed a trickle of infinity-scarf-consciousness seeping into the masses.  It probably started with the fashion industry, which I know nothing about (obviously–youtube…); and then flowed into the media and everyday people and stuff.  The first instance that sparked my theory (forgive me, science people.  I don’t know if I should be saying “hypothesis” or “theory” here, so I’m just going with “theory”.)(Sorry, I’m taking a science class right now so I’m all paranoid about sounding like I’m not sciency.)  Anyway, the first instance was the movie Inside Out at the part where Riley is new in her class and Disgust says “We want to be friends with her, look at her she’s wearing an infinity scarf.”  My first thought was “Oookayyy, I guess it’s good that Disgust said that, because we don’t want kids thinking superficially like that”.  My second thought was, “infinity scarf?” Again, no deeper than that.

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And then the hollow space developed that would soon house my theory.

I sit in classes with mostly young women, some guys, and a sprinkle of older students like me.  As I looked around my classes–every single one–I saw infinity scarves on at least half of the women, and even on a couple of guys on campus. Today, it was as if they had multiplied and spread across the population.  Now, I get their appeal–they are easy to wear and super soft and cute too…mostly.

It’s just that they are starting to get bigger, and looking more like abnormal growths than fashionably warm accessories.  They aren’t just keeping necks toasty anymore, they are attaching themselves to chests and bulging unnaturally.  I swear I saw one writhing on a girl’s chest and around her neck today!  She had no idea!! I was about to yell out a warning like “Hey lady! Your infinity scarf!  It’s trying to EAT you!!” but then it went back to sleep. I didn’t see any limbs or a face, but I wonder if those features are still dormant… And these things are getting bigger!  I couldn’t even see one girl’s shirt or half of her arms because this infinity growth creature was smothering her! It was huge! Everywhere I turned I saw these alien-looking infinity scarves attempting to strangle and smother my fellow students. I was spinning on the spot and they were closing in on me like a horror movie. One girl was forced to only look up because her infinity scarf had crawled halfway up her face. They keep getting larger and people just keep wrapping them around and around more and more and more times until they can’t stop and get lost in the endless enveloping snare of the infinity alien creature’s infinite hollow space.

All I’m saying is, be careful people.  Watch what you’re wrapping around you, because they’re coming to get us.  If you find yourself drawn to an irresistible fabric loop that spans longer than your height, please take a breath and put the thing down very quickly.  If you get it near your head it will be too late and you will be sucked into the infinite void and lost in the land of wrapping and wrapping and wrapping and wrapping around and around and then you will be gone. Gone. There will only be an infinity scarf in your place. Eventually they will wrap around the planet if we are not on high alert. These things are alien–not of the Earth.  Be careful, people.  Watch your winter wear very very very warily.

Another penis post, and hangin’ with friends

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IMG_20150720_125422We have some new friends who keep inviting us back to hang out with them.  It’s so amazing to meet people who actually relate to our level of madness!  These friends have a pool, and they seem to like having us over to swim, because we’ve been invited BACK!  Now, I’m not downplaying our coolness or anything, but the level of energy that we bring as an entire family unit is a little overwhelming to most “normal” families.  It’s a bit much to handle, so small doses or infrequent visits are the norm. It’s ok, we are totally cool with it.  We accept our awesomeness and intensity as being too much for most.  Our new friends have the same level of awesomeness and attractiveness (Kung Fu Panda reference there), and it is really refreshing.

So one day we were swimming at their house.  They have three kids as well–two girls who are similar ages to Tuna and Binker, and a boy Squishy’s age. Swimming was fun. I got to (sort of) talk to my friend while we got a work out catching our fearless toddlers as they leapt into the pool whether we were ready to catch them or not. Super relaxing.  I hear there is a place we will someday come to with happy little swimmers who do not need us to have repetitive mild heart attacks.  I envision margaritas, large floating chairs, and occasional rainbows.  Perhaps even people to bring me the margaritas… ahhhhh.  What? hmph.

It could happen.

On this fun day, my friend and I had many “Oh, I SO love your family because we are all just as WEIRD as you are!!  Yay weird!” moments.  Among all of the WTF moments from the things our kids said and did, there are two in particular that gave me warm Kindred Spirit fuzzies. (I could write a book solely on Binker-isms.)  When I finally wrangled all of the boys inside to change, my friend told me that her oldest (who is like a Girl Tuna) had just come down the stairs completely naked asking where he clothes were.  She had to shoo her back upstairs because there were boys there!  But before this could happen, there had to be a discussion about why. Girl Tuna had no idea why this was even an issue.

So my Tuna then came in, unaware of this incident, and went into the main floor bathroom to change.  I gave him everything he needed to do the job: towel, dry clothes, instructions to wrap his suit in the towel. Simple, right?

Wrong.

“Mommmmmyyyy!  I can’t use this soap to wash my hands because it has shea butter in it!” (he has nut allergies)

“Tuna, we’ve been over this, there is dish soap in that bottle”

“oh yeah”

“Mommmmyyyy! Where are my clothes?”

“Look right in front of you.”

“Where?”

Silence.  Meaningful/understanding/humorous look exchange with my friend.

“Oh, now I see them, haha.”

“Mommmmyyy!”

“WHAT.”

“It’s hard to change when I’m wet.”

I swear, this boy just says things to say things.

“Mommmy!”  Now he opens the door and comes out completely naked, with his goggles still on.

“Tuna!  Close the door and get your clothes on!”

“Oh. Yeah.”  Closes the door.

“Mommy?  Why does it matter if I’m naked or not?  Why is my penis private?  Why are private parts private?”

All of the girls were within earshot and THANK GOD my friend was doubled over laughing and not horrified!!  I LOVE her!

“Tuna, we have discussed this (we’ve had “the talk”.), and it’s not appropriate to discuss with younger kids here, remember?”

“Oh, yeah. But I still don’t understand why my penis is private, I mean, it’s just part of my body!  There is nothing wrong with all of the parts of our bodies!  It’s how we were made!”  Then he starts singing happily.

“Ok Tuna, are you dressed yet?”

“No.”

Facepalm.

“Mommmyyy?  Where are my glasses?”  He opens the door, this time in his underwear.

“CLOTHES!”

“Oh, right.  But look, I did wrap my bathing suit in the towel!”

“Way to go, dude.”

Sometimes the BIG THOUGHTS in life are more important than putting clothes on.  And, finding people who will laugh along with you is so so very very important.  We have slowly been finding our tribe, and it feels great.  A few years ago, we would talk about having family friends we could easily hang with, and our talk eventually invited those friends.  Your thoughts create your reality, ya know.  So, when you find the people who keep inviting you back BECAUSE of your weirdness, rather than DESPITE it, you have found your tribe.IMG_20150720_130504

Just get the pig

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Me: Ask me for something ridiculous.

Tuna: “Can I jump off a cliff blindfolded while holding a python?”

Me:  “When pigs fly! Ha!”  He thought it was hilarious.  That boy totally gets my humor.

I originally thought this amazing creation would hold a place on my piano so that every time one of them asked me for something I could just point to the pig.  “Mommy, can I have a pet hamster?”  I point to the pig.  “Mommy, can I tie my skateboard to the car with a rope and see how fast it will go?”  (Hasn’t happened yet, but it will.)  Point to the pig.  “Mommy, can I put my drum set in my bedroom?” Point to the pig.

This pointing will totally happen from now on, but it turns out this special guy is holding a place for a much bigger reason.  I originally saw it about a month ago.  I thought it was great!  It made me laugh!  I loved it!  I almost bought it, but then that not-me-judgy-intruder voice in my head said “nah, it’s too weird. Don’t get it, it’s tacky, it’s too much, it’s over the top…”  I took a stupid picture of it instead of just buying it.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the flying pig.  I wished I had bought it, I sighed every time I went back looking for another one and it wasn’t there.  I kicked my self wondering why I didn’t just get it when I could.

So Squishy is getting molars, and he has been whiny/screamy/pissy for about a week now.  I have almost lost my marbles a few times, and thankfully Latefordinner helps me keep them from rolling too far.  I had to get away from the colicky toddler yesterday, so I flew out the door the second Latefordinner got home.  I had a few minutes before yoga, so I stopped just to see if maybe possibly that piggy was at the store,  And it was!!

Now, I realize it’s not normal to obsess about a ceramic pig with wings, and I was abnormally giddy when I found this thing again. I felt like I was being rewarded for taking care of myself though, and I floated up to the register with its wings.  A few people  just looked away, but the woman in line behind me started cracking up!  She had a thick accent, and said “I never have seen that kind before!”  I grinned and said “Yeah, I’m going to just point to it whenever one of my boys asks for something outrageous,”  And she doubled over laughing!!! She was in tears!

I felt amazing as I walked out with my pig.  He just made TWO people’s day!  What else was he capable of? The place he now holds is one of power and pride for me.  I will never again deny my natural state of weirdness.  There is so much freedom in flight!

Question:  Will I forget that I don’t have to listen to not-me-judgy-intruder-voice ever again?

Answer:  Point to the pig.